To whom it may concern

Dear mother, who thought that the incident was a fault of her poor parenting skills, because I should have known better.
Dear my so called friends, who sat by and let the incident happen, because who doesn't love to lose their virginity their first time getting drunk.
Dear same friends, who he following morning said "welcome to the slut club", because that's an award you should get in high school.
Dear friends of his, who told everyone at school the next day, because he needed another notch in his belt.
Dear girls at school, that tattooed "SLUT" across my forehead, because they didn't understand.
Dear girls, who taped "Slut" to my back, because they wouldn't say it to my face.
Dear teachers at school, who heard the rumors and did nothing but judge me, because at fifteen, I probably wanted it anyway.
Dear friend, who told me pills and booze would make the pain go away, because talking about it wasn't an option.

Dear rapist.

I. Am. A. Person.

I am not a plaything for you to exert your will upon. There was nothing that I 'should have known' to prevent the incident.
I didn't take you to court because I didn't think it would do anything. I assumed that the judge would find my basketball shorts and over-sized T-shirt to be considered "asking for it." If that had been the case, why didn't all of your friends try to rape me?
I didn't take you to court because I was scared of what people would think.
How could such a young promising girl let such a terrible thing happen to her?
How did such a young beautiful girl put herself in that position?

Blind trust and faith in humanity. That's my response.

I never asked to be "shushed" into submission and taken advantage of when I couldn't move.
I asked to get drunk for the first time with friends I had known for ages along with boys I'd known for years.

I was fifteen. In what world does a drunk fifteen year old signify sexual intercourse?

Oh right.
It doesn't.

[Untitled]

I miss Spain.

Late night insomnia

I really can't sleep lately. I've been stressed for approximately a month now. I don't know what to do.

I can't help but think it has something to do with my living arrangements. I never really had time to settle in and make my room my own. I'm not super happy with the layout... I miss grant street. It wasn't the best house, but it was a good one, and it felt like a home. This feels like four walls with a roof I can sleep under.

I just need to feel like I belong somewhere I think.

I'm slowly realizing that I might not want to be a teacher and that's what I've spent the last four years of my life studying to be.

In 2010 I had the crazy notion that I could teach english in spain based on one person that I met, and in order to do so, I had to major in Spanish. done.

Now I'm not so sure.

I don't know what I want, and I'm starting to envy my friends that are already in their niche, whether that be with babies and husbands, or broke and misguided, or just confident in their life choices. Maybe thats what I lack, confidence.

Shocker.

Dear Life,

Send me a new message, I get that I need confidence. I just need a quiet brain now.

M




Reasons why I'm super stressed:

-- Dying aunt
-- Money for school is looking rough.
-- Two jobs
-- Room mate issues (sort of)
-- No creative/physical outlet
-- Loud ass thoughts.




Someone help me. Please. I'm losing it.

Moving.

My lease is up, and i'm slowly packing.
I have this overwhelming urge to just run away from everything.
I want to go to the mountains or live in a tree and just get away from everything that I have. I just want to escape.

I want to breathe fresh air. I want to be able to sit and think, by myself. I want to live alone, but I can't.

I want to just be alone, dependent on myself and no one else.

I want to be me. I want to figure out who I've grown into and who I am.

I need to figure this out before I go crazy. I just want to be happy.

By myself. Out in the wilderness. Out there exploring.

I want to run away.